back to normal

This season the weather has been so fantastic I have forgotten what city I am living in. Blue skies and no rain puts anyone in a good mood. Maybe that's why I am feeling so well. But the last couple of days, it has gone back to normalicy for this time of year. Yucky, gray skies, rain, toe freezing weather. Today was no exception. Mon petit fee and I went to the jardin des poetes just to get out of our three room apartment. (Three rooms meaning, one living area, one dining area, one bedroom - literally, three rooms). Of course it was drizzling, so the playground was wet. But they have these beautiful greenhouses, one of which we entered. There we found another American expat! She had three kids and we had such a nice time chatting while the kids played together and watched the fish in the little ponds. With them an hour went by faster than a minute alone and all too soon it was time to say goodbye.

We were to take the bus home and ended up waiting a good ten minutes for it, standing out in the light rain. I stopped carrying an umbrella as it is just one more thing to carry and ok, really, it is just so much effort to carry it open while pushing the stroller. They need to make a stroller with an attachable umbrella for mommy. How on earth am I supposed to push the thing with just one hand over cobble stone/rocks/bumpy pavement with the full weight of mom petit fee and a load of groceries??? Come on entrepeneurs, here's and easy one for you. Donc voila, I did have the stroller with a bag and some odds and ends I purchased at the store just before going to the playground/greenhouse. School had just gotten out - it's only half days on Wednesdays - so there were about 20 kids waiting at the bus stop. They all got on and I stood there looking at a bus full of people, ready to get on. The driver took one look at me and informed me that I would have to fold up my stroller as the bus was full. I understand the bus driver does have this right, and legally the passengers are required to oblige the driver. But it was raining, I had a lot of loose things in the stroller of which what was I to do with? It's not like there wasn't ANY room for us. People would just have had to move back a little. But it's this mentality that "pfff, oh la la, c'est trop difficile..." So I just told him never mind and walked in the rain with mon petit fee the rest of the way home. It was only about a 15 minute walk the way I walk (you know, one foot in front of the other), but did I mention that it was raining, I was cold, and mon petit fee was hungry??? Guess there are worse things though so I shouldn't complain. I do have feet to walk with in the first place. Good grief Charlile Brown. Where have you done and gone?

Wow, been a while. Been busy. l got a very nice compliment today. A man said l had a "little" accent, l was from there? He was surprised l was American, and he said he loved my accent! Wow, ok. That was much needed for me today.

l actually went to a cafe and had a glass of wine. Normally l would not do this as most cafes are often very smokey. But the ban on smoking in cafes was put into effect, so now l can go. And l can take mon petit fee with me, too (if necessary)!

This holiday season, we didn't go home and l really felt it. Tickets are so expensive and we don't have a money tree. lt would be thousands of dollars that we don't have. lt was quite lonely without the chaos of my family. Living here is great, so many things l like about it, but l really need a bigger and more regular dose of the nest l flew from.

Next week l begin playing in a real French orchestra. The first three l played in before were French, but many of the players were other nationalities. One conductor was American, one British, and one Spanish. This one will be almost all Frenchies and the director, French. Good for my language acquisition.

l miss the US. Especially now when history is being written - the first African-American president! They talk about it over here - is America ready or not? l am making sure that we are registered to vote for this one, though l have done so for, gee, every election since l was 18.

Allors bonne sante a tout cette annee 2008.

when in rome

oooh la la! This is our second trip to Rome. First one was six years ago. I came for a music festival for three weeks and then took a week to tour the country. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. And now after these very short eight days, I do think I will cry going back to Paris. Yes, Paris is, well, Paris. Beautiful, elegant, refined, cultured, but also very high maintenance. I am so ready to kick up my feet and take the corn husk out of my butt. The Italian people are extraordinary. I can't remember the last time I felt this alive and just so good! Men make you feel desired, women talk to you, and kids play nice. People smile. It's wonderful.

There is so much artwork around the city and in churches all of which are free including St. Peter's. We took the above photo in one of the churches we happened to enter. Michelangelo's Pieta is housed in St. Peter's Basilica, also free and utterly breathtaking. There are so many amazing sculptures by other artists as well, but there is really something to Michelangelo's works when you see them up close and in real life. It is like they have a living soul. Guess that's why he is so well known.

The Campo de Fiori has a pretty good market (photo) though small, and there are many piazzas, oblisques, fountains, etc. all around the city.

For Halloween we went to the Trevi Fountain. Mon petit fee dressed up as Tigger. People got a kick out of seeing him there. Since he didn't do any trick or treating, we had some gelato instead.
Oh, and we went to a few bars, had a few beers, relaxed, I had my FAVORITE shot - a B52. Sooooo good. And we even got some FREE food. What a foreign concept. I don't think they do that in France, at least not from our experience. And they don't really have bars in Paris, either except for a few Irish/English pubs. The local brasseries/cafes are no where near equivalent to a pub/bar either. Ahh, bring on the tissues while the corn husk is reinserted.
http://www.sacred-destinations.com/italy/rome-st-peters-basilica.htm

poopmobiles

Yes, there is such a thing and one of these days I will actually remember my camera and take a picture of it - the poopcycle. Acutally, there are two different types of vehicles that I have seen here that scoop the poop. Mon petit fee accurately described one the other day, "mommy, that's the poop motorcycle." It is a motorcycle that on the back of it has a tank with a hose attached so the rider can just vaccuum the poop into the tank and then ride off to the next dump. And the other one is a golf cart with the same contraption. I haven't seen these in the center of Paris (I am just outside Paris), maybe because they just pay the street cleaners for this, or maybe because it is a little more expensive for this. Not sure. But hey, I don't clean up after the tooter anymore as long as she goes where she is supposed to go - in the gutter, on the grass at the theater, or on a tree, you know, the designated dog poop places. No one else cleans up here, so after four years of shoving a bag under the tooter's butt to collect the remains of her dinner, I turn my head and walk away. Still grosses me out though, but hey, when in Rome... (next week, baby, and I can't wait!!!!!!)

And today is much, much better. A very large dose of music always does the trick.

mommy's woes

Balance = Happiness

How does one achieve these two things? Ignorance is bliss? So I just think too much, is that it? Because I certainly am no genius that's for sure. Last year I quit my part-time job because I felt so guilty for leaving mon petit fee to go to work. It didn't feel right and I have learned time and time again to trust my instincts. So there you go. And now I feel like I have given up so much of myself that I have forgotten who I am. Just now, I had had it so I took a break (thank goodness I was able!) and left the apartment (mon petit fee in the care of the porcellino) to come to a cafe just across the street and sit for thirty minutes all by myself. That is bliss, something I need to do more than once every few weeks or longer.

Ever hear of a babysitter? Yes, but I don't want to hire just anyone, definitely not a total stranger, and well, you get what you pay for, so that is something that I would not be frugal on. I don't want to be a slave either, but it seems like being "mommy" means the same thing. Well at least I can vote and get out of the apartment daily. Ok, and I can also make play dates and grow my own sprouts and pick which cd's I'd like to listen to, too.


So maybe that was a bad analogy, especially now that I am here enjoying a lovely cup of espresso it seems like such an exaggeration. But often I feel like all I do is clean vomit, poopoo, peepee, dirt, dishes, cloths, noses and nurture til I bleed. And I only have one child! Good lord. But it's just because I am so isolated here in gay land. So I feel so guilty for feeling this way when I should just be so entirely grateful for all that I have. I am American. That alone means that I am privileged. And then we live in such a beautiful city with loads of culture, abundance of healthy food readily available, it's very safe, I can walk everywhere, and yet I often still struggle for happiness. Woe is me. I should stop complaining and start counting my blessings as there are so many. Is that it? Is it all about what you choose to focus on?

When I was a little girl (because that's what it always comes back to) and the clock struck 11:11 or I blew out birthday candles, or threw a dime into a fountain, there was one wish I wished over and over: to be happy. Yes, my step-father was an ass and my parents, who still hate each other today, divorced when I was four or something. So I know those two things had a profound impact on my ego, but I'm an adult now so I should be able to think how I want to, right? I wish I could do what my mom so lovingly told me and just, "Get over it." The problem is, I feel like I am flying solo so much of the time that any energy I have rushes out of the balloon that was not tied. And because I have to work a little at being happy, it is not always possible simply because the energy is being used to blow out a bunch of hot air. Bad analogy? Hey, I'm tired. Get over it. There must be a song about that somewhere. Get over it, I'm over it, yada yada yada. And actually, that is about the only thing that keeps me going. I need to drench myself in music. THAT is what is missing.

Ok, I can't sit at this cafe any longer. There's actually a beautiful blue sky and no rain, but it's something like 50 degrees F, so a bit chilly. The little heater seems to be heating only the air just above my head. Though on the brighter side, this is one thing I love about this land. They put heaters outside at the cafes so if you want to sit outside, you will not freeze your buns off. Though I wouldn't mind a bit of that really, as my buns could use a little shrinkage. And on that lovely note, a tout a l'heure...

nothing

Over time
I've been building my castle of love
Just for two
Though you never knew you
were my reason...

Listened to this song (Overjoyed by Stevie Wonder) over and over for almost two hours yesterday. This is my favorite all time song. Has to be.

I didn't go to the doctor againi on Monday though I had intended to - again! I took the metro to Sevres Babylone and called as soon as I got off to tell the receptionist that I would be about ten minutes late. She then informed me that I needn't bother coming as the doctor was not even there. Apparently, he was attending a birth. So I was supposed to call back the next day to reschedule, but guess what, I haven't done that yet. How did I get out of that again? Dread.

So I didn't want to turn around and go back home seeing as we were about a 20 minute metro ride away and it was a nice day (it wasn't raining nor was it freezing). I was one minute from the Bon Marche so decided to give it a try for any Halloween goodies. Nada! Zut. Instead mon petit fee and I took a stroll to a cute little playground pretty close to les Invalides and then over to La Motte Picquet for a quick metro ride back.

Another angry bus driver episode and it's only October. Granted the teens were raucous, loud, and did not ask properly to be let off the bus. They called her "monsieur" not realizing a woman was driving the bus - most are male. The last straw for her was when they neglected to say a simple "merci" when they descended from the bus. The driver got off and yelled at them as they walked down the street warning them that they would not be allowed back on her bus the next day. I am so bored with this. It's not even amusing anymore.

Picked up my cello and actually played today. I have only done that a handful of times since mon petit fee was born and boy did it feel sooooooo good. To use my brain, my soul, my muscles for this kind of expression was quenching and yet made me so thirsty. It's so complicated this mothering thing. I don't regret it for a minute, but I just have to find a way to keep nourishing myself as well.

mended

It has been over a week now and still people are reaching out to me. I love being an expat. I have learned to make friends fast and can talk to just about anyone now. It's amazing to realize just how much all of us have in common. Wouldn't you say the basic human needs are to be loved, wanted, needed? I think this is pretty accurate. We all just have different degrees of those needs and go about different ways of getting it.

But this week is so much better on many levels. To think that last Friday I was desperate to move out of our apartment and now am content to stay a few more years even if need be. I was convinced that the pesticide spray in the cave was the cause of my miscarriage, and because the smell still seeped into our apartment, I was so worried about the health of mon petit fee. So the day after the miscarriage I went on pap.fr and started looking at apartments. I called a few places and got an appointment to view one the next day. They go really fast here, so if you find something, you've got to grab it.

It was so frustrating once again living here with the "that's just the way it is" attitude. I told my landlord that our apartment had pesticide smell still, and she just shrugged her shoulders. She was apologetic about it, but could do nothing. So if she felt helpless, what could I do? I don't know that I even had any options. You have to give three months notice if you plan on moving unless it is an international move, then it is just one month. After the spray, we did about all we could do to avoid the smell. We got out of the apartment as much as possible, kept the windows open, and kept opening the cave door. Though someone kept closing it the first few days, everyone started leaving the cave door open probably because word spread that we were still getting the odor in our apartment. And now I don't even open the door anymore. Someone else does! My neighbors really are very nice. Some even speak a little English to me every now and then.

So we'll stay in the apartment. The smell is gone now and I am happy again. Though we did reach a very important decision. We want to move back to the US at some point. Maybe not next year or the year after, but within the next few years. I love living overseas, but there are so many things I miss about the US. The ease of life, customer service, speaking English, but probably the main thing is the American philosophy that anything is possible. You can dream in America and have your dreams come true. I love it. I want my child(ren) to grow up believing that they can do anything they love to do. I want them to experience Halloween, Thanksgiving, the Easter Bunny, all those wonderful things about America (except leave out the sugar and the fast food!!!!!) I've never been after a big house or a lot of money. Just some friends, good neighbors, a safe place for my children to grow up, and a place to call home (with a little garden of course!). OK and maybe a little adventure now and then. That's the spice of life!