angels

I learned a translation of a new word last week Thursday: faux couche. Not exactly something that I had thought I would learn about, but that was out of my control. Wednesday I started bleeding and cramping. Seeing that I was ten and a half weeks pregnant, I knew that the two together was a bad sign. A few times I would finally fall asleep, but would wake soon after as I knew something wasn't right. Until the dream. I had just woken up again and couldn't go back to sleep so I just prayed so desperately for someone to watch over my baby. Minutes later if that, a beautiful angel came and cradled my little girl in her arms. She was so happy to see my sweet little girl and couldn't stop smiling and cooing at her. It was easy to see that this angel had so much love for my little baby and would take care of her. This gave me so much comfort and peace knowing that there was someone watching over my little pea. I thought that everything would be ok and slept like a baby.

It was slow moving in the morning as it often is. Finally took out the tooter at 10:30 and went for a little walk. I still wasn't feeling well. After lunch I couldn't stay awake so I laid down with mon petit fee for a nap. When we awoke, I went to the bathroom and saw the first signs of the false couche, a clot of blood the diameter of a walnut. Even though I had a feeling it was coming, nothing could have prepared me for the amount of grief I had at that moment. I wailed. Mon petit fee stood there, watching me with such concern you would have never known he was two and said to me, "What's the matter, mommy? It's ok."

I cleaned up and sat on the sofa sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. There is nothing like loosing a child, even an unborn one. As I sat on the sofa unable to control my emotions, mon petit fee climbed up, sat down next to me and snuggled with me. He held my hand and gave me a big hug and kiss completely unprompted by me. The compassion and strength coming from my two year old at that moment will I never ever forget.

Realizing that I couldn't sit there forever, we went for a walk. I started to feel better and thought of all the things I could now eat - oysters, sushi, any cheese, basically not worry about the non-pasturized stuff, undercooked meat, and all that. It was so liberating. And yet as I passed by the seafood market, I just could not look at the oysters or I would start sobbing again. My beautiful little girl was gone. Who cares about the damn oysters?

We came home and I expelled more clots. I called my very dear friend who helped me when mon petit fee was born. She had been through three herself and was such comfort to me. When I called the porcellino at work I couldn't even talk. I felt somehow I had let him down, though he never ever made me feel that way. I emailed a few friends and the response I got from everyone was so amazing. All of these people gave me so much strength.

At 10:45 pm, the last piece made its way out. This was the biggest and had a kind of beauty about it. I think it was her. I didn't know what to do with this piece, so I just sat there, holding it on the pad wondering what it really was. In the end I just flushed it down the toilet. I wish I hadn't been so naive and kept it so I could bury her.

It has only been a few days, but I will never be the same. There are certain things in life that take your soul and massage it. Sometimes the massage hurts if it's deep enough, but because of the depth, it releases toxins so you feel so much better afterwards. Last year was a very difficult year. We've been trying hard not to live beyond our means, while still enjoying the things we like to do. It was a big adjustment after I quit my part-time job to stay home with mon petit fee full time. And hormonally things were not right either. But now I feel that this false couche was a way to cleanse my body and help me open up more as I so desperately want to do. So many people who don't even know me that well have given me enormous comfort and support. It seems that all I needed to do was to find the right people who truly truly care. These people, my friends, are like water. They wash away the dirt in your wounds and quench your thirst. So thank you and much love to you my angels, my friends.

trip to la defense

I am on a super health kick these days. I always eat pretty healthy, get my fruits and veggies, few processed foods, etc. But now I am going organic. Good thing I have a bio (organic) store two minutes walk from my apartment. And their prices are really good. I am not spending that much more by shopping there. True, the fresh stuff can be priced a little more, but this is not always the case. At least not at this place.

Do they have these in the US? Here they are called Physalis. It's a fruit that has the look and texture of an orange cherry tomato but has the flavor kind of like a mango. Really delicious. I grow my own sprouts, too, usually bean sprouts. They are the easiest and fastest to grow and sooooo tasty. I try to eat broccoli sprouts weekly (for the past three weeks) since they are one of the healthiest foods for you. But today, I was rather naughty.

We went to the mall at La Defense to try to find a Halloween costume for mon petit fee. I checked Toys R Us and Auchan, but nothing for toddlers. Auchan didn't have any Halloween stuff and Toys R Us had slim pickins. Halloween is an American holiday, so I have to start planning farther ahead to get any supplies as decorations/costumes are hard to find. One day I would like for mon petit fee to have a good old fashioned American Halloween. I personally didn't like the holiday too much as it always ended as a big disappointment. My ex-step dad would eat all our candy, or at least the very best stuff, at the end of the evening and all my excitement for having gotten such a good loot was so quickly turned into frustration, anger and sadness. But now I get to enjoy every Halloween though these days with organic chocolate (which is REALLY good by the way)! Bye bye mars bars. Ok, maybe I will cheat on Halloween if I feel like it just because I can.

Anyway, we were so hungry and I didn't bring any lunch for mon petit fee assuming that we would get a sandwich there. We ended up at McDonalds of all places! The last time I ate at one was over a year ago. Oh well. And what's worse, I actually enjoyed my double cheeseburger (one patty, two slices of cheese - is a double cheeseburger in the US two slices of cheese and two patties? not that it really matters)! Am I that desperate for Amerian cuisine? I suppose I made up for it by having some slices of beets and a tomato/sprout salad as a snack later in the day.

After eating on the steps at La Defense by the Grande Arc, we came home to a very smelly apartment. They had just sprayed for mice in the cave and it filtered up to my ground floor apartment. (A cave is basically underground storage where people typically store wine as it has the right humidity and temperature. But we and many others use it for storage since there are no closets or storage space in these old apartments). So I turned up the heat, opened the windows and blasted the air purifier. And now the air just outside my apartment is warm and clean.

new beginnings

Yesterday, mon petit fee, the tooter and I went to the Bois de Boulogne to pick some chestnuts. They are delicious baked and as a soup. It was going to be a long day for me since the porcellino had to work late. So the three of us let out some energy at the bois, I took in a cafe (espresso) at the little cafe there, and then we headed home. I tried roasting the chestnuts, but I think that these were the non-edible kind! Great! Oh well. They didn't look or smell how they were supposed to, and I know it wasn't from the roasting.

Today we went to a new playgroup by Concorde (the metro stop near the Louvre). And I met a new best friend today! That may seem a little presumptious, but either you connect with someone, or you don't. One of my very favorite people moved from Paris just a few weeks ago. I've been feeling quite down because of it. She was an American nanny to two sweet French kids. One of whom was the same age as mon petit fee. They played really great together. But she left Paris for the Hague and I really miss her. But the good news is that I met a really wonderful lady today at a playgroup. She is from Sengal, Africa. When I walked into the room, I immediately spotted her with her gentle and warm smile. She just sat there and played with the little boy she was caring for and eventually I made my way over to see her. She is the middle of five children, all of whom are four or five years apart. She lives in Paris with one of her brothers and one of her sisters and tries to make it back to Africa every two years or so to see the rest of her family. I feel like I know so much about her already, except for her name! But even in such a short time, I feel so connected to her. Really looking forward to Tuesdays!

montmartre

I don't know anything that can give such thrills, evoke the deepest emotions and embrace the soul like music does. Maybe because I just listened to Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now CD that I am feeling a bit, well, heartbroken, but over what???



Anyway, in a couple of weeks we'll head up to the fete des vendanges in Montmartre, the 18th arrondisement of Paris. We lived in this area for two years and loved it. It's so culturally diverse it made me feel like I was in the twilight zone when we moved to the northern end of Boulogne-Billancourt aka whitesville. The above are the Sacre Coeur in Montmartre and below is the view from our apartment when we lived there. Also a link to the fete des vendanges.


http://www.fetedesvendangesdemontmartre.com/infos.php

enough already

Rain rain go away
And please don't come back for at least a week!

Did the sun think she was not needed here? There are rain dances, but are there sun dances? I am in need of one.

We went to the aquarium today. It's by Trocadero and the Eiffel Tour. 19,50 euro to enter! Looks like it will be beans or pasta for dinner.

where is everyone?

It's still bizarre to me that everyone in Paris leaves at the same time for vacation. The place is desserted of Frenchies. Plenty of tourists in the tourist zones, but in the residental areas, it's so quiet it's erie. On my street, there are six restaurants, three brasseries, and one tea room (among some other stores). The tea room is open, one of the restaurants is open (the Japanese one) and one of the brasseries is open. All the others are closed for at least a week, some for two or three! This is not uncommon. Everyone has to do everything the same way and at the same time. It's quite annoying. I need to get my computer fixed and the place we take it to is closed the whole month of August. They are the best/best priced in Paris (run by Japanese!) so of course we have to go there. They don't open again until Sept 1 and my warranty runs out in Sept. Hopefully they can fix it in time.

lost baggage

Just enjoying an Illy cappuccino on this cold, rainy day in Paris. Mon petit fee is napping. He has a cold because I dressed him in a short sleeved shirt thinking the sun's out, it's August, it must be warm outside. Still had Spain on the brain. I look very much out of place here with my tan and tossled hair. Tan courtesy of Spain. Tossled hair courtesy of Air France.

Twice our luggage was lost this trip. Going to Palma de Mallorca, Spain and then retuning to Paris. We knew we were in big trouble when we went to fetch our bags on the luggage belt in the small airport in Palma. Our flight had been delayed out of Paris so naturally we missed our connecting flight. Luckily though we were on the next plane to Palma, all three of us assigned separate seats. I about flipped, but quickly realized that was an easy fix. Who on earth would wish to sit next to a toddler without either parent next to him?

I had never seen any airport with so many unclaimed bags as there were in Palma. There were bags still going around on the luggage belt for over the two hours that we were there. Tons of bags were piled up against the wall, and there were bags and bags and bags everywhere just waiting to be claimed. Foreboding 101. We checked three plus a stroller and received nothing! Our cameras were in one of them (I wasn't thinking clearly and accidentally checked that bag - Oops!) It took one hour to stand in line and report our missing luggage to the one person that sat behind the counter. We thought we would never see any of them again. And a toddler in the city without a stroller is trouble so I could not unwind though I desperately needed it. Lucky for us though, we made it to the place we were staying and wouldn't you know it, they brought each one of our bags the very next morning! I would never have thought this would have had the happy ending it did. Too bad the return to Paris wasn't as easy.

Once again, our second leg delayed and our luggage lost. We've been flying for years and have never had this problem. When/if we return to Palma next summer, we will be flying Iberia! Anyway, we did receive one bag and the stroller but two were still missing. So off to the agents to report it.

There were eleven agents here as opposed to one in Spain. The luggage areas were about the same size. Thankfully it didn't take too long to fill out the paperwork. There were no unclaimed bags anywhere, the luggage area was spotless, and there were several agents walking around to pick up any stray bags and assist people. This was last Saturday.

On Monday they brought one bag and then called the porcellino to tell him the file was closed because we had received all of our bags. But this was not the case, we were still missing one bag. She didn't understand how this could be since it was noted in the file that we had received this bag already. Who told her that? Santa Clause? No, we hadn't received it. So they re-opened the file. Tuesday, I call.
me: Where is our second bag?
agent: It should be there. (typical French response - stressing the word "should") It arrived on Sunday. It should come in the afternoon or evening.

Wednesday, no bag so I call again.
me: Where is our second bag?
agent: You are still missing a bag? You need to fill out a form and send it in because sometimes they rip off the tags and throw them away.
What? Who is "they" and why would they do something so stupid? I call two hours later.
agent: You haven't received your bags yet? I will contact the delivering company and tell them to deliver you bags asap since you have been waiting so long.

Yesterday I got on the bus. All I had was a 10. Bus fare is 1,50. The driver asked if I had change. I said, no, sorry.
Phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh huge sigh, mumble, shrugging shoulders like I was asking him to clean up the dog poop on the way. He took each coin out of the drawer and slammed them on the change tray like he was killing roaches. Later that afternoon I got stuck in the pouring rain with the tooter and mon petit fee. Mon petit fee had an umbrella, but I forgot mine because I was not expecting God to slit the sky. Got drenched and was freezing forgetting it was August.

Tomorrow it will have been a week since we arrived back to Paris. I called the airline every day since last Saturday. This last week reminded me why I needed a vacation in the first place and more importantly, why we don't want to stay here any longer. My sanity is actually important to me! Today I call again and the agent told me that the bag was lost and that they were trying to locate it. I was not too happy, but did realize that someone else may have a different story. So I called back again an hour later and that agent told me that yes, the bag was lost, but they found it and would be delivering it today. After all that I did get so lucky. Pristine Paris has its place, but I much prefer to live in organized chaos.